~love just is~

Unless you are a therapist, a spiritualist or someone who has completely understood the way this world revolves, there is a good chance you believe that you have understood ‘love’ but lack ways to easily articulate it. I don’t mean to down play you in any way but I wrote this especially to empower you with thoughts that have been around for generations and ways to explain what love truly is.

Many of us have associated ourselves with love but ever since our teen years we have misunderstood being ‘in love’ with the actual ‘true love’. We can recognize this when we tell our boy-friends or girl-friends that we’re ‘in love’ with them and when they are not around, we get upset; on occasions when they are with others, we compete for attention; and when they do something different from what we like, it troubles us. We even quantify love by saying ‘I love you more than you love me’. While this seems very cute in its own way, there is a big difference between what we express in the relationship and what love really is.

~the real difference~

We have not understood ‘love’ the way it really is but have experienced something called ‘in love’. ‘In Love’ is to receive love from the other person and is a dependence based relationship. In this relationship, we are attached to our own happiness but this happy feeling comes from another person’s presence. This is more obvious when they are not around us. We miss them and feel low. In truth we only miss them for the love that they give to us. By being dependent or attached in a relationship this way, we are setting ourselves up for pain. We resist any attempt to remove this dependence or attachment and we know how hurtful it is when we don’t get what we want from them (its an addiction). We innocently forget about what makes them happy and sometimes we act possessive taking away the space they need. Barely do we realize that these problems are within ourselves first; that we are deficit in some way and that their presence seems to complete us. These people that we depend on for happiness could be anyone, a boy or girlfriend, a best friend or even a role model. But while this may sound wrong or terrible, it really is not. In the real sense of the word, this is a stepping stone to understand how to be emotionally independent and how to truly love. Everyone walks this path.

~true love~

When we truly love someone, we only give love, not expect to receive any. We accept the person for who he or she is. This is the same as the unconditional love we talk about between a mother and her child. There is never a reason; we just love. When the time and person is right, we feel it deep within ourselves and nothing known physically to us can ever explain it. True love or unconditional love is unconditional acceptance of a person no matter what their actions dictate; but it does not mean unconditional acceptance of their actions; just the person. Please don’t read only into that line, there is more. We know that people change and their actions evolve over time. We have faith in them because we see in them a ‘them’ that they themselves cannot see. It’s just a matter of time before they figure themselves out through the many good and bad things they do; and trust me, they will consciously do almost every thing that today’s society or you considers bad. However, Love, in a relationship, is accepting them for who they are while expecting them to be the best they can be for themselves; not for you. Loving them is never about you; its about them. When they want you to let go, let them go, let them grow; your part is done. If you are looking for someone to love you, just remember the quote by Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world” & like will attract like. When you learn to love unconditionally, only then you will easily attract another who will love you unconditionally.

~what love isn’t!~

Love isn’t detachment or attachment but a fine balance between the two and knowing when to do either. Love never has reasons; but reasons have love. Love isn’t dependence but freedom to grow. Love isn’t denial but acceptance of self and self emotions. Even hate is love; its someone who’s upset because they didn’t get the love they needed; they are just asking to be loved. Even Jealousy is love, someone wanting the source of love and happiness that you have.
However, due to haste, desperation or just bad sources of information, we remain confused and continue creating reasons for why we should love. Magazines, surveys or compatibility ads are main sources of our wealth of toxic information. Loving someone for a reason is not true love for the other person. Reasons are conditions which when satisfied makes us happy. It just shows that we are in love with that reason and not the person. When we love the reason or that condition, we indicate that we are loving ourselves instead and are trying to make ‘ourselves’ happy; not them. This is the same as making use of them to make us happy; but the reality is that we need to fill our own voids first before we can truly love someone else for who they are. It’s even more scary when we choose to love for a reason and then over time those reasons vanish; and we’d find ourselves hating that same very person. We know this when we use words like, ‘I loved the old you better’. But this is not the end of it all; it’s just one of those jump starts we need.

~how do I learn to truly love someone?~

It’s easier said than done. Learn to love yourself first without going outside for love. When you truly love yourself will you be able to truly love others. There are so many articles on-line that teach us to truly love ourselves. Here are two articles worth reading and two tracks worth listening to.

and finally India Arie with her track “Video” (You Tube)
and Whitney Houston with “The Greatest Love of All
They all say one thing. We need to first accept ourselves for the way we are with all the flaws we have. No one is perfect, no one will ever be. Everyone starts from the bottom of the ladder to get to the top with respect to accepting themselves the way they are. Financially rich people face the same problems we do. Underneath all that perfection is always imperfection; behind all the glitz is misery that even money won’t solve. We all walk the same path and help is always there. The best part is that you don’t have to make any sacrifices in loving your self.

~on unconditional love and divorce in non violent relationships~

When we finally learn to love unconditionally, we are much more comfortable in our relationships and we easily accept our other halves as people who are struggling to understand themselves. When a need for a divorce occurs, it would be from their side as they battle to search for their source of true love. True love starts within ourselves and at home; but if a divorce helps, do what it takes to help yourself.

~What is sacrifice? Is it associated with giving up?~

Sacrifice truly means ‘to make sacred’. By giving up something you really want, you are instead only hurting yourself; you are not making any relationship sacred! Even though you may give something up for someone, it is not sacrifice unless you are truly happy inside and without resentment. Anything short of this is truly superficial. Its only after you learn how to truly love yourself, making sacrifices becomes so much easier and accurate to its definition. Let me explain.
Sacrifice is never about giving up happiness but gaining even more happiness for yourself by making others happy. When you unconditionally love others, seeing them happy is what truly makes you happy. If they find happiness in what you have and you truly love them, giving it to them is really easy when you know that your happiness comes from within you and no where else. Sacrifices becomes very simple and no different than a side effect of true love. Sacrifice always originates from self when self is ready and should never be imposed or expected of you.

~when should I not sacrifice?~

When you don’t want to!
The act of sacrifice has been glorified but it has lost its meaning over time and lately associated with giving up for a long term benefit. But there is never any long term benefit gained from performing it in guilt, greed or force. In most cases, follow your instinct; in some where it is confusing, its best to wait and let the passage of time convince you. Do whatever it takes to balance between keeping yourself happy and doing things to keep others happy. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come from the elders; but in some cases guilt surely does; don’t let them ever guilt you or force you. Draw your boundaries and follow your heart. And for those who prefer to be associated with ‘logic’; follow your mind!


~define love!~

Love is to accept unconditionally!
I love you = I accept you unconditionally! It is a choice.
I am in love with you = Will you accept me unconditionally?

P.S. “I love you” is “I love you to make you happy” and not “I love you to make me happy”;

tag: Love and Sacrifice Misunderstood



Finding True Self

January 8, 2008

I was thrilled today when I bumped into this piece of advice. Here’s the entire conversation.
” How do you know when you are following your true self? In your book “Book of Secrets” you say that you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel doubt. That is much easier said than done. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. Spiritually, professionally, and personally. I feel restless, confused, and sad. I am searching for my true self and am not finding answers.

How does a person know they are on the right path?”

gypster, a member of the forum did an exemplary job replying to this question… here’s what he wrote!

Dear Beignet,
While I am not Dr. Chopra, I feel I am qualified enough to have something for you. Please read and take from it what you wish and leave the rest behind if it does not resonate with you.Your true self is that of absolute unconditional love. This is no easy task, as it takes practice, patience, forgiveness, discernment and diligence to form new thought patterns in the mind. But the road gets less bumpy as you go along, and the signs ever more familiar.You can begin by fostering grace, gratitude, poise and most of all FAITH in the FACT that most of what you see happening outside of you is really within you and a direct result of your thoughts and more so your -intentions-. When you see the world through this new, empowered vantage point, you will begin (hopefully) embracing the good things that happen as well as the bad. Yes, the bad, too. For these experiences give you something that’s not always seen in lieu of the circumstance itself. It is said that we achieve the greatest personal growth in our darkest times. So have faith in your progress, even now, no matter how sad or confused you may feel, because generally you get what you ask for in life. If you ask for answers, they miraculously come. If you ask for help, it comes too. But if you FOCUS on the situations that make you feel certain ways, and allow yourself to feel pity, look back with regret or look ahead with doubt you will most certainly create similar situations in your life ahead.Again, practice is the key. Discernment and attention to your inner dialogs (yes, dialogs!) is just one step in the process. Then comes a CHOICE. Once you’ve realized, “Hey, I’m thinking _____!”, you must then decide and discern whether or not this is the highest, the most unconditionally loving thought you can have at your current point in time. If it is, keep it. Now if it’s not, decide right then to think another way. Open yourself to the myriad of possibilities of ways to look at something and exhaust them, one by one, till you find one that is MOST RESONANT with Love.Many people are confused about unconditional love. And some people are afraid of it. Some think it’s boring or powerless. Let me tell you something, it is NONE of the above. Throw out your preconceived notions about unconditional love and think of the times in your life when you have FELT it. You have, I can guarantee it. Think of your mom, your dad, your puppy, your cat. Think of all the people or animals who love you no matter what. See past disappointment if there are momentary bouts. Disappointment is always temporary and is NOT the same as hate, fear, etc to the ones who love you unconditionally.

Now let these people/animals be mirrors to yourself. Observe yourself in them. Allow your memory to guide you, to serve you and reflect upon these experiences. The answers are there. Trust this, trust yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself.

This is something on a different definition than romantic or passionate love. You can feel these things, too, but NEVER confuse them. Unconditional Love is acceptance of all things and people in your life, regardless of their facade. People, adults especially, are often very difficult to love unconditionally. Often we are flared up and hurt, angered or saddened by their victim or saboteur archetype within. To accept them is to look past this (and not necessarily allow them to keep harming us) and see to the source of their actions, which is always FEAR-based. But stay your judgments. Watch those judgments. Observe how they make you feel. Do they resonate with Unconditional Love? Ask yourself over and over if necessary. Answers will come. The same goes for things and situations in your life, not only people. Always question what your judgments are doing to your feelings and then once you recognize them, make a choice right then to begin thinking in ways that are more towards Unconditional Love. Once judgment is removed from the picture, once can then begin to see the TRUE self and the RADIANCE of selfless Love.

Apply this to all things in your life. Omit judgment in it’s many forms from your thoughts. It starts with observance of the mind’s chatter, then with decisions. It’s a process, allow it’s flow and take one thing at a time. You are progressing as long as you are making these choices.

It’s ok to feel sad or feel loss at times. Just let yourself feel those feelings and let them pass without attaching to them. That’s very important. Don’t attach. Then, use the memory to reflect upon the experience. What can be learned? Was I loving unconditionally in that moment? Was I loving to myself? Was I being judgmental? Draw wisdom from every experience and you will do right for yourself always.

Most importantly, HAVE FAITH in your progress. I can’t say this enough.

Best wishes and much Love.

I am happy to discuss this further if you wish.

Thank you gypster.
Unconditional love is difficult…much more difficult than I realized. Especially giving yourself unconditional love.
Attaching is another difficult concept. Everything that happens around us feels personal. Like it is “about” us when often times it isn’t. I do have to learn to let go.
Thank you for your words. I will consider them carefully.
Dear Beignet,
Remove “difficult”, “have to”, “want to” and “going to” from your vocabulary. Instead, affirm that you ARE unconditionally loving already. That’s the fact. While you can’t take the drop of water out of the ocean and still call it the ocean, you can in fact see it is made up of the same “stuff” as the ocean, only in minuscule form. It is an inescapable fact that you are already everything that you wish to be including Unconditionally Loving.You can conceptualize driving to the store, or building a fence or whatever. But will conceptualizing actually GET you to the store or result in a fence being built? Absolutely not. It takes action, which is the application of knowledge. Once you KNOW the way to go to the store or how to build that fence, the next natural course of action is to drive there or build it. Otherwise nothing manifests into reality as a result of knowledge.Make a pact with yourself that you will not take things personally and that you are able to let go with ease. Write yourself notes, keep a copy of it on your person at all times. Keep all of your affirmations near you so that you can throughout the day take them out and read them silently or aloud. “Every time I take something personally or find myself acting unloving to myself or others I will take this list out and read it or at least remember each item on the list. I will remind myself of these affirmations every time I find myself mired in such ways.” Read the list several times a day, including in the morning and at night. I’ve taped stuff to my mirror so I am sure to see them. Most importantly, have gratitude for this process and for everything you have in your life. You truly are blessed.Love and Light.
Source: http://www.deepakchopra.com/forums/topic.php?id=21&page